How to Create an Enigmatic and Aloof Internet Presence in Ten Easy Steps

Once upon a time, in the good old days, authors were known to be enigmatic and aloof. Then along came the Internet, and ruined all that.

Now authors are commonly understood to be friendly, outgoing, and accessible “normal” people. Chances are, your favorite author is now on FaceBook and MySpace; has a web site; and maintains a blog. (Incidentally, these opportunities are not limited to living authors; rumor has it, Shakespeare now tweets.)

Oh, how we all miss those glory days, when authors were inaccessible and eccentric. Is it too late to turn the tide?

No. No it is not. There’s still time for writers to reclaim their collective and rightful aura of mystery! This impossible-sounding task can actually be accomplished in ten easy steps:

1. Write your blog entirely in the third person. Or better yet, the second person.

2. Resist the temptation to blog on topics popular on other writing blogs, such as: writer’s block; your writing “journey”; writing conferences; and Michelle Obama’s arms. Instead, blog about your writing “process,” and Barack Obama’s arms.

3. Include only obscure authors in your blog roll list. If any of them link back to you, delete them from your list immediately.

4. Alongside your web site or blog “Words Written” gadget, add a “Words Scratched Out”gadget. Specify both counts to two decimal places.

5. Tantalize your readers by offering only limited personal information. For instance, when composing a blog entry about your Ideal Weekend Breakfast, do not specify your preferred cereal brand.

6. All of your web site photos should depict you in silhouette, hunched over a writing surface, surrounded by crumpled paper wads. Use stock photos from a free photo site and/or PhotoShop if necessary. Alternately, use hand-drawn stick figure illustrations. Credit these drawings to your dog.

7. Wear sunglasses to all of your public appearances. When asked about them, state that Sunshine Impedes The Flow Of Ideas. When asked the inevitable follow-up question (“Where do you get your ideas?”), fling the glasses off, sneer dramatically, and shout “Next question!” Be sure that a bookseller films the outburst, and post the video to YouTube immediately.

8. For your Twitter tweets, use the Cyrillic alphabet.

9. Alter your contact link so that instead of bringing up your email address, it launches an audio feed of Philip Glass music.

10. When you use friend as a verb, put it in "quotes."

By following these easy steps, you too can have an Enigmatic Internet Presence ™.

Fellow Write Brainers, any additional suggestions?